Wisdom-The Definition of [name]
Reflection. The image was one of kindness, warmth, love. The silver lines of her hair shimmered in the sunlight, and the pale wrinkled cheeks smoothed when she smiled. I sat there beaming at her. She sat there smiling at me. Life was simple.
"Beep, Beep, Beep" the machine interrupted. It commanded my attention. Sitting at the side of the bed, my eyes became alert once more, glancing at my grandmother. "Why did this have to happen now? She was recovering from lung cancer. Now, hepatitis too?"
Glancing at her hands made me reminisce. Hands that had helped me to reach the ice cream sandwiches my tiny fingers couldn't quite grasp. Hands that had knitted my doll's clothes, my baby blanket, my bright tri-colored scarves. Hands that had come together in prayer at my grandfather's funeral. How many times had I held those hands? I saw the ring in her finger. I remembered the scene earlier, when she had tried to give me the ring, telling me to take it when she passed away. At that time I could see the frightened child in her. She was not ready.
I had been so busy over the years placing urgent over important. I thought of all those letters unwritten, phone calls unmade, and visits forgotten, while I was stressing about tennis matches, homework, and friends. Everything was so trivial.
Looking at her face, I saw the resemblance to my own mother. Imagine the hurt my mom must be going through. Losing a mother is one of the greatest pains in the world, a knife wound to the heart. I remembered the stories of my mother as a child, always asking the unanswerable question and dreaming to be the successful professional. Those were similar to the stories I had also heard about myself. How I longed to hear another story. Reaching out my hand to touch her forehead, I saw her eyelids flutter open, revealing mocha coffee colored eyes that held warmth, sprinkled with sweet love. "Still sharp,” I thought to myself.
"We were wrong,” the doctors said. All three came into the room to apologize, too happy to be ashamed. "The result turned out to be negative. You don't have. . . ." The man's voice was interrupted by clapping. My grandmother sat there smiling like a young puppy.
Her Comments by Admissions Officers who assisted in the Creation of this Course
Well written, nice use of language-but it doesn't say much of anything!
This is sweet, but I don't know quite what to make of it.
This is rather sentimental and trite, and doesn't tell me a great deal about what the author would contribute to the class. However, it is well-written, and I do get the impression that the author would be a pleasant person. The essay would not have a lot of influence, either positive or negative, on my ultimate decision.
点评：
题材——
不对口!这个问题一直存在于中学生大大小小的写作中，包括高考！很多程度上是由于作者没有领会题目的要求。
优点——
正如评审员所说，该作者措辞华丽，这确实是一个亮点，可惜的是，没有做出别人想要的东西，措辞是一对翅膀，“如虎添翼”里面的翅膀，而非一个具有攻击力的东西，价值的存在应该是老虎。
缺点——
也许我们可以这么推测作者的写作意图：通过表现自己对祖母的爱以及爱问问题的性格来表现自己的优点，可是，这些优点到底有什么使用价值呢？单单是可以和同学们友好相处吗？爱问问题的特点可以带动课堂的气氛？实际上这些东西仅仅是属于个人的范畴，最多能说明你这个个体怎么样，至于能否给集体带来什么样的影响，并不能明显体现出来。这也就是评审员的看法。另外，对于自由发挥的题目，很多申请人认为应该写得尽量抽象，题材不限，但是，我们不管写什么样的文章，都应该围绕着自身的特点来展开，包括申请的专业特点，该专业在申请学校中的地位，背景等等，然后展示自己所具备的潜力，在该领域能如何发展，特别是商学院，注重对问题的分析判断，如果像这种连题目要求都没有理解好的，又如何谈以后在管理领域去有效发现问题，分析问题，更别说去解决了——即使你的考试成绩很好！
译文：
智慧——XXX的定义
反思。她的形象代表着亲切、温暖和爱。她头上的银发在阳光下微微发亮，微笑的时候脸上的皱纹也舒展开了。我坐在那看着她，她也微笑着看着我，生活就是这么简单！
“嘟、嘟、嘟”仪器停止了运作。它引起了我的注意。坐在床边，我的目光再一次警惕地放在祖母的身上。“为何现在出现这种情况？她刚从肺癌中康复过来，现在又有肺炎了吗？”
看着她的手，思绪慢慢涌现。在我手太小以无法拿好冰激凌三文治时，是这双手给予我帮助；给我的洋娃娃编织衣服、编织我的婴儿毛毯和我鲜艳的三色领带的是这双手；在爷爷的葬礼上双手合十做祈祷的也是这双手。我多少次握过这双手？我看到她手指上的戒指。我回忆起前一段时间的场景，当她决定把戒指给我，告诉我在她离开后要好好保存它们。那时候我看到她的眼睛里那个被吓倒的孩子，但她并不原意看到这样的情况。
这么多年来我一直忙于一些迫切的重要事情。我关心那些没有写的信件，没有打的电话，没有进行的拜访——当我把精力放在网球比赛，工作以及交友上面时。一切都显得微不足道。
从她的脸上，我看到了妈妈的影子。想象我妈妈经历过的痛苦。失去妈妈是世界上最痛苦的事情之一，就像被一把刀刺在心头一样。我记得有关我妈妈的一个故事是，她小时候经常问一些、别人无法回答的问题，并且梦想有一天能成为成功的专家。这跟我听到的有关我小时候的表现是如此地相似。当我伸出手去抚摸她的额头时，看到她的眼皮微微张开，从那摩卡咖啡色的眼睛中能看出慈祥的爱意。“依然强烈。”我心里想。
“我们弄错了。”三个医生跑到房间来道歉，过于开心以至于感到羞愧．“之前的诊断结果被否定了，你没有患．．．．．”医生的声音顿时被掌声掩盖了。我的祖母像个可爱的小动物一样坐在床上笑了。
录取他的招生委员会给这篇文章的评语是：
好文章，语言运用得很好——但它并不能说明什么！
这个故事很甜蜜，但我不是很清楚要表达什么。
其更多的是表达伤感的东西以及一些陈旧的题材，并不能让我明白作者到底可以给他将来的班级贡献什么。然而，文章写得很好，作者给我的印象是他是一个非常善良的人。这篇短文没有很多的影响力，不管是正面的还是反面的——这是我最终的评价！
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